Boundary fails
Who’s tried to set boundaries in alignment with their vegan values but only created conflict and disconnection with non-vegan family and friends (rather than the positive changes they were hoping for)?
ME! (too many times)
The thing I didn’t realise back then was that boundaries are meant to be driven by positive emotion like self-love and self-respect. They are in fact all about me and not at all about other people. They are meant to protect my personal and emotional space. That is all.
If we want people to change their behaviour, we get to do that by making requests. Boundaries should never be mixed up with requests…
What I know now is that boundaries will fail when I do one (or more) of the following while trying to set them:
#1. Trying to CONTROL other people’s behaviour.
This is a very common mistake and it looks like this: “I won’t come to the family Christmas lunch if there will be meat on the table.” – this isn’t a boundary, it’s an ultimatum. It doesn’t earn respect or create connection. If it achieves a change in behaviour, it will be grudging and likely come with resentment and disconnection.
A true boundary looks like: “I love you and I value spending time with you. And I find it distressing to sit at a table where meat is being consumed. For this reason I am choosing not to come to Christmas lunch this year, but would very much like to join you for opening presents afterward.”
Here I am not asking them to change anything. And I am not blaming them for my experience. I am simply sharing what I will do to protect myself from unnecessary trauma.
#2. Trying to CONVINCE others to agree with me and validate my boundary. Convincing leads to push-back and arguments. Boundaries don’t require validation. They are deeply personal and there for our protection. Other people don’t get to decide if they approve or if they will comply.
#3. CONFUSING the message by making it about the animals, the planet, health or something other than myself. Wanting others to see and acknowledge my points based on the facts, when they may simply not be ready to see the truth. This leads to defence, push-back and argument.
#4. NOT SHARING vulnerably about my personal reasons for setting the boundary. When I focus on expressing my internal experience and the distress I feel when my boundaries are crossed, people have nothing to push back against or argue with. They may not care about animals or even their own health, but our friends and loved ones care about us. They do not want us to be in pain or distress and they won’t intentionally invalidate our internal experience (unless they are gas-lighting narcissists, but we’ll discuss that another time).
#5. JUDGDING others for their choices and telling them that the things they are doing are wrong. Most people receive this as shaming and will react with anger.
#6. BLAMING others for my feelings. Telling them that the things they do upset me, and that they hurt me by doing them. This is a great way to make people defensive, but no way to set a boundary.
These are six common things we do to make a mess of boundaries while trying to set them. A seventh is having a history of not upholding our boundaries. When people are used to walking all over them, they tend not to take it seriously when we set a new one. Then when we actually uphold that boundary, they can get a little mad at us for behaving in an unexpected way.
Remember, purpose of boundaries is to protect ourselves, physically and emotionally. They are NOT meant to control other people’s behaviour or to punish them for doing the wrong thing. A boundary therefore asks nothing of other people. It simply draws a line that we are not prepared to cross. A line we’ll uphold by taking action if someone else attempts to cross it. For this reason, other people don’t even need to know about the boundary. We can keep it to ourselves and simply take the required action to uphold it if required.
Here’s how it works in practice, using the family Christmas lunch example from above…
The line I won’t cross: Attending a gathering where people are eating animals.
The action I will take to protect myself: Keep away or remove myself from situations where animals are being consumed.
I can choose to share my boundary like this: “I’m not comfortable around people eating animals, so I’ll skip lunch and join you afterward for opening presents.”
Or I can keep my boundary to myself like this: “I won’t make it to lunch, but I’ll join you afterward for the presents.”
By not attending lunch, I have set and upheld my boundary. Other people don’t actually need to know about it at all if I don’t want them to.
If I join my family after lunch to open presents, someone could still cross my boundary by getting out a piece of meat and waving it my face. If they do this, the action I take to uphold my boundary will be to remove myself from that situation.
Again, I have the choice to share my boundary or not. I may let the meat-waver know that I won’t be in presence of someone doing what they are doing, or I may simply get up and leave.
Try it this way next time and see how you go.