When you’re met with anger
Sitting outside a cafe minding my own business, I suddenly found myself under attack.
“So you want all the farmers to go broke do you?”
Looking up at the red-faced and clearly agitated older gentleman, I was momentarily confused, before remembering – I was wearing my Stop Live Exports T-shirt.
I often wear vegan advocacy shirts in public – usually without incident. But this time I had caught the attention of a retired sheep farmer/exporter. And he was upset.
Under his irate glare, I found myself frozen. No ready answer came to mind. No facts to refute his ridiculous claim not putting sheep and cows on ships would make “every farmer go broke.”
But no facts were needed. Because he wasn’t there to listen. He was there to vent. To spew forth his pain and anger in reaction to the shame triggered by my “judgement.”
For him, in that moment, I was an existential threat. The statement on my chest invalidated his life’s work. Calling it out as not only cruel, but POINTLESS.
When we’re under attack (and when we are attacking) our brain goes into fight/flight/freeze mode. Coherent thought becomes impossible. It’s ALL emotion.
So what to do?
Take a DEEP breath (or two) – yes it’s a cliché, but it works! It calms the nervous system and helps the thinking brain come back online.
If they’ve asked you a question and you’re stuck, like I was, put the question back on them “I’m sorry I don’t know what you mean.” They will be forced to rephrase and explain, which will give you time to take some more breaths and it might just prompt them to switch their thinking brain back on and be less shouty.
If they launch into a rant, let them. Let them get it all out. Allow them to express themselves fully and to feel heard.
Don’t argue, judge or insult anybody in this state of emotion – it’s counterproductive. Give them nothing to push back against. Nothing to use as ammunition. Thake the time to keep breathing – slowly – in for a count of two, out for a count of four.
Even if you have thought of a clever comeback to their question, resist the temptation to address it with facts – they will shout your facts down. Instead, ask them what they think the answer is and what led them to believe that. Be genuinely curious. Don’t be sarcastic! And if possible, ask further clarifying questions. Get them thinking and answering their own questions as much as possible. It’s the most effective way to shift anybody’s thinking.
Show them some empathy. Remember they are in emotional pain. Acknowledge that and show some compassion. “I completely understand why you’re angry. The industry was your life’s work, and here am I saying it’s evil and needs to be shut down. I can see how you would feel shamed and invalidated. And I see that you are worried about the people who are still involved in that industry – maybe your family or friends. Those are painful emotions to feel.”
Being truly heard is a rare gift. And having someone hold space for you while you examine your OWN thoughts is life changing. When you give that gift to a frustrated, angry individual, sometimes you’ll find they want to be your friend by the end. No joke!
I’ve used this approach a few times since this particular incident and it has worked like a charm. Give it a go – practice makes perfect.